I Don't Understand the Question, and I Won't Respond to It

It takes a certain kind of person to slap you in the face, and then tell you that you walked into it. We've all been in that position, of course. How does someone attack you, and then act like it was the other way around? Well, pretty easily it seems.

We're well trained in the art of acting the victim. Its the way that Christians can act like they are persecuted when they are in the majority everywhere in the U.S. Its the way Republicans can act like the underdogs when they control all three branches or federal government. Its also similar to the way in which advocates for "little people" (one of those rare cases where the politically correct language seems more insulting) can celebrate the fact that a child rapist recently received 10 years probation instead of prison because he was, to paraphrase the judge, too short to survive in prison. On a side note, is he acknowledging that our prisons are so screwed up that people are likely to be killed in there and there's nothing we can do to stop it? And, does that also mean that criminals should walk free because we may not necessarily want them to die?

I ponder the victim state as Voyager II approaches the termination shock which it will cross within the year and countless victims of hurricanes and earthquakes pick up the pieces of their lives. There are bigger things to contend with, a vast chasm of things yet to do and to learn, yet we constantly focus on the little things and allow them to overwhelm us with self-doubt, self-hatred, selfish egotism and all the trappings of a people who have long since overcome the challenges of daily survival and now have too much time on their hands.

Honestly, I find it harder and harder to have sympathy for a lot of people, especially when no one takes responsibility for their own actions and expects special treatment from the universe. I'd say its a relief to be apathetic, but since I'm not, the idea of falling into it is distressing. So, sometimes, just sometimes, I have to take a breath, count to ten, turn the other cheek and let the frustration subside, because there's just no convincing some people. Unfortunately, nothing is solved if we don't keep trying.

On a lighter note, ice cream is delicious and is right up there with the printing press and penicillin when it comes to the greatest works of humankind. In fact, find a way to make books out of ice cream with antibiotic properties and I'd say we've got ourselves a nobel prize. A million dollars sure could buy a lot of ice cream.

David Blaine Needs to Get a Better Hobby

I suppose I'm not the most qualified person to tell anyone how they should spend their free time, but really, is it worth taking the long bus trip from the nursing home to see a jackass in a fishbowl because he just can't seem to get enough attention?

In other news, a recent poll of annoying driver habits, conducted by an insurance company, brought to light the fact that all people are hypocrites. Among the top-ten annoying habits people cited were talking on cell phones and switching lanes without signaling. This is much like when Entertainment Weekly polled people on which annoying habits bothered movie-goers and people listed 'talking during the movie' and 'ringing cell phones'. Yes, these are annoying, but these polls would lead us to believe that only a few people do these things and the rest of us are annoyed. The fact is, nearly everyone is doing it, and though they get annoyed when everyone else is doing it, they either ignore it or think it's justified when they themselves do it. There is a great deal of self-involvement in modern society, and even when people do something kind or charitable, it's still all about them. Don't get me wrong, I love myself. I'm one of my favorite people. I care a great deal about my own happiness. However, when I'm out in the world, I do whatever I can to avoid getting in people's way or bothering the people around me. As far as I am concerned, until one of us acknowledges one another, we should be practically invisible to one another.

For instance, when you're standing on an escalator, don't stand side-by-side with your friends or spread out with your bags blocking the entire thing. Some people don't need to go for a little ride in the middle of their day and actually use the escalator in order to speed up their commute. Let people walk by. It's sad that taking the stairs would actually be faster than an escalator because you're always stuck behind the person who thinks that modern conveniences are amusement park rides and sight-seeing tours.

I also don't quite understand the point of the car alarm. I'm sure when the idea was first brainstormed that it seemed like a great idea. However, this is America, where people tend to turn a blind eye to such things, especially when out of the 400 times you hear a car alarm go off in the course of your year, about .1 percent of those times is it because someone was trying to break into it. The rest of the time it's caused by either the owner trying to get into the car, or someone walking too close to the car, or perhaps a light breeze or the sneeze of a passing squirrel. Especially living in a city, they go off constantly, and their owners are never in a rush to reset them. Why should my sleep/peace/television viewing be disturbed because of someone else's paranoia?

Are these merely the ramblings of a cranky, cantankerous old man who now fears and hates the modern world full of teenagers and rap music? No. These are the daily annoyances of someone who goes out of their way not to be rude or obnoxious. I say 'excuse me' and 'thank you'. I'm polite to waitstaff and retailers. I walk at a brisk pace and watch where I'm going, also watching to make sure the things I'm carrying aren't hitting people. I am a considerate person who finds the greatest frustration in the fact that most other people aren't bothering to even try to be considerate, and then look at me like I'm nuts when I try to walk around them. Everyone loves an anti-hero, the loose cannon who plays by his own rules. But no one likes the obnoxious jerk who doesn't realize they're obnoxious. If you're going to be a jerk, be proud. Otherwise, please, get out of my way.

Someone Get That Man a Sandwich

It takes courage to do a great many things: build an igloo using crushed ice, view a Michael Bay movie, run naked during a freak razor-and-broken-glass storm. Above all, though, it takes the most extreme form of courage, something I call Xourage (the X makes it x-treme), to tell the harsh truth to a room full of powerful people who don't want to face it. Today, and every day, Stephen Colbert is my hero for just this very reason.

This past Saturday, Mr. Colbert spoke at the White House Correspondents Dinner, mere feet from the President and the entirety of the mainstream press. Did he dial it back, did he soften it up, did he play to his audience with gentle civility? No. He spoke his mind as he does always, and showed us that in the world of modern journalism, it is the satirist who is often the most truthful. Like a comedic Murrow, he mockingly called attention to the faults not only of the present Administration, but a press who have let so much go by unquestioned. And yet, despite the awkwardness, despite the cold looks he received from some, he killed. The mainstream media, once again fearful of the truth, reported almost nothing about Stephen Colbert even being there, instead choosing to focus on yet another staged and phony routine with the President and his hired doppleganger, or comedy-whore as I prefer. When they do mention him, its usually in a single line refering to his edgy comedy playing to muted laughs. Watch the video, those are not muted. Those are hearty laughs, the true laughter of people who have been punk'd, satirically speaking, who have had their own faults reflected at them and found that, you know what, yeah, we are pretty stupid. That is funny. And yes, the President is probably tapping our phones right now...what a riot.

Stephen, you are a beacon of hope to a generation. You don't pull your punches, even when people may not get the joke. You say what needs to be said, and you do it jovially. Let us not forget that it is humor which often allows us to confront the most awful truths about ourselves. President Bush, however, cannot laugh at himself. Not really. He doesn't get the joke, so sadly...the joke's on all of us.