It's All About the Benjamins...Bernanke, That Is!

If we’ve learned one thing, and only one thing, from the federal government’s bailout package it is this: you can’t solve problems by just throwing money at them. It really, really is true. I mean, have you ever tried to throw money? It’s understandable if you haven’t: you are poor. I, on the other hand, have “throwing” money due to my fabulous wealth (and I should also just mention here that I’m also extremely attractive and smell like gold). You can take my word for it, throwing money at things just makes the money scatter in the wind, and then you’re surrounded by all sorts of deviants trying to catch the money. It’s not that I need the money, because obviously I do not. I wasn’t going to pick the money back up, but the least people like you could do is wait for me to walk away before going after my financial leavings so I don’t have to be near you.

I digress; you can’t throw money at problems. What we need to do is fire a rocket full of money at the problem. This “Money Missile” if you will (copyright Chris Fredda 2008) could easily get the money to it’s target (the problems) without having it scatter and inviting vagrants and other lowlifes (millionaires) to swarm. Obviously, this would require precision missle system so that you money doesn’t end up going to some other problem, saying curing AIDS, when really what you’re trying to do is rescue lenders from poorly regulated mortgages. So first, money has to be spent developing a computer system that can accurately target the problem. Caution: do not throw the money...place it in a sack - preferably with a dollar sign on it for easy identification - and then HAND IT to the computer programmers.

Next, we’ll need to make sure that the money doesn’t incinerate on impact. That’s important because how can the money help people if it’s on fire? (that is, unless the people are cold, which is also possible...note: make two missiles, one for flaming money) The best way to make sure the money arrives INTACT is to insulate it with something, and I would suggest flame-retardant foam. I know what you’re thinking: “Why would we want to make the flames retarded? Wouldn’t that just make them more dangerous, unpredictable, and likely to win Oscars?” All of these things are true, but you have to spend money to make money, and that’s where part three of my plan comes in:

SURROUND THE FOAM WITH MORE MONEY! Yes, it sees so obvious now, doesn’t it? See, if there’s money on both sides of the foam, then on impact, the fire will go after the OUTSIDE money, thus leaving the INSIDE money safe and ready to solve the problems. Just in case, you should hire a few firemen to stand by in case the flames hunger is not satiated by the outer money-barrier and it attempts to feast on the essential interior money.

Finally, the missile itself. We want the best of the best. Cheaping out on a missile that won’t even make it to the problem will only mean having to launch a third missile (remember, the 2nd one is for the flaming money, and also remember you don’t need the outer money shell for that one since we want the money to burn, so that saves us a few bucks right there). Like I said, you have to spend money to make money (did I say that? I meant to) so I say we go for a gold missile since, as we all know, gold is the best. We should probably spend the extra 90 bucks to get the extended warranty too... just in case. It seems like a lot now, but it’ll be worth it if something DOES go wrong.

So that’s that. Please feel free to contact me if you have further questions (re: the missile, the money shell, the foam, the money payload, or use of my copyrighted name for the missile) and let me know how it goes. You’re welcome, America.