How to Lose an Election in 5 Easy Steps by John McCain

1. Change

Change every opinion you’ve ever had. Once will do, but two or three times is even better. If you used to question President Bush’s military strategies, not only embrace them but take them even further and talk about invading Iran. If you voted with the President 95% of the time, pretend that you’re a maverick who will shake up washington. Remember those tactics you denounced in the last election? Not anymore...you love those!

2. Choose

Choose a running mate who is the antithesis of not only your opponent’s running mate, but the antithesis of everything a President should be. If you are opposed to earmarks, find someone who can’t get enough of them. If you are a war hero with decades of experience in Washington, try to find someone who’s rarely left their home state and doesn’t know anything about Government or foreign affairs. It’s best if this person holds the opinions of the majority - especially concerning abortion, the economy, and foreign affairs - in absolute contempt. Bonus points if this person has a hateful personality, little to know understanding of anything, and likes to make bad jokes and lie as much as you do.

3. Cheapen

Cheapen your service to the nation by using it as an excuse for everything. The reason you are out of touch with 95% of the country concerning economic woes? Say it’s because you were a prisoner of war and they didn’t let you have money or read up on mortgage laws while you were being tortured. Imply that your opponent is a traitor who hates the troops to distract from the fact that you want to put them in greater danger and use them as a political shield here at home to avoid having to answer tough questions. You know that thing you did when you got home from the war? You know, public service and government work? Cheapen that service by mocking anyone who believes in helping their community and devoting their lives to public service and call people who work in Washington “out of touch.”

4. Check-out

Try to ignore what’s going on around you. Pay no mind if your strategies are failing. Ignore the fact that the economy that you called “fundamentally strong” is getting worse, and the war you said we are “winning” is getting more violent and precarious. If people try to ask you serious questions, pretend you can’t hear them or don’t understand, and ignore any evidence that the things you say aren’t correct. That brings us to the most important one…

5. Cheat

As much and as often as you can. No, not on your wife, besides, you already did that when you cheated on your first wife with Cindy, then divorced your wife, then married Cindy a month later. No, cheat in the election. Lie about everything - your voting record, what your opponent says, how the media is treating you. Swamp the airwaves with misleading ads. If you can, challenge voter roles in swing states to try and get minorities disenfranchised and encourage last minute changes to voting protocols, like ID cards and rules for early voting, so that poor people and minorities can’t get their votes counted. And did we mention: Lie! Lie so much that even Fox New pundits have no choice but to flat-out call you a liar. Lie like there’s no tomorrow because this is your last chance to bring change to Washington by replacing those corrupt Republicans in the White House with...new and improved - and more corrupt - Republicans! It’s time that America gets the change it deserves: four more years of cronyism, anti-choice judges, tax cuts and deficit spending, moral hypocrisy and contempt for the rest of the world.