Things I Never Knew About John McCain

1.) Ronald Reagan is his hero.

2.) No, check that, Teddy Roosevelt is his hero.

3.) No, wait...not quite his hero, but he has a big boy crush on General Patreus.

4.) He is so ready to contest anything that Barack Obama says, that he furiously starts writing notes even before the debate has begun. It's because he can see the future, and is furious about what Obama is about to say about his economic plan. Spooky.

5.) His bedtime is 11 p.m. EST. That's why Cindy had to rush him out after the debate while Barack and Michelle took pictures, signed autographs, and spoke with people. Listen, if the American people want John McCain to address their concerns, they have to show up during office hours. And even then, he'll probably trail off into something about Iran and not answer your concerns.

6.) He thinks it's awesome that eBay is doing so well. Yes, for every person that loses their job in this bad economy, John McCain wants you to know you can have a successful career selling all of your possessions on ebay to other unemployed people who can no longer afford to buy things new from a store. Sure, our economy is crumbling, but the black market economy is on the rise! (Side note: John McCain thinks the CEO of eBay would make a great treasury secretary. The CEO of eBay just laid off 10% of her company.)

7.) John McCain is uncomfortable with human contact of any kind. Whether it's giving an awkward pat on the back to a veteran, or refusing to shake Obama's hand after the debate, or giving his wife the awkward one-armed-side-by-side hug that I usually reserve for my male friends or people I've just met.

8.) John McCain doesn't understand your question, and won't respond to it.

9.) McCain knows just how to fix the economy, how to win the war in Iraq, and how to capture Osama Bin Laden. But, he can't tell you. Vote for him on November 4th and he'll let us in on the secret. I bet the answer to all three is "with robots."

10.) You know that bailout bill that many Americans are opposed to, and that John McCain both voted for and then called for the President to Veto? He thinks we should get the country's money back by...buying all the bad mortgages that put these banks in trouble in the first place and then...renegotiate them lower. Yes, he wants to spend MORE MONEY to buy the loans that are LEAST LIKELY to be repaid, and then make a deal so that if they are repaid, that it will be for less then we dish out for them. So, to counteract the bailout that he said was terrible, he wants to expand the bailout and get even less of a return.

And see, after all this time, I thought I couldn't learn anything new about John McCain. I guess he really is a mavericky maverick.