You Just Got F'ed in the A

After talking about Bill O'Reilly yesterday, that got me thinking about torture. Like when I go home to visit my parents and have to walk through the gauntlet of televisions in the house tuned to The Factor. As you may know, there's discussion in the Senate, and especially in the media, about a bill that would "define" torture, or to be more accurate, would legalize some types of torture. There are of course the arguments that torture is ineffective and only gets people to tell you what they think you want to hear and not the actual truth. There's the argument that if we torture people then we'll have no clout in demanding that our own soldiers not be tortured. There's also the argument that human decency doesn't allow torture no matter who or why. But, just in case our government decides to do the weaselish thing, I'd like to suggest some alternative forms of torture that won't leave any marks (because as we all know, it doesn't hurt if there's not a bruise).

* Make them watch hours of speeches given by President Bush, giggling and fumbling over the English language, and then show them a copy of his diploma.

* Subject them to a normal American diet by attaching an IV of corn syrup directly to their heart.

* Drive them around the country and make them enter every single children's beauty pageant. (Torture if ever there was)

* Ask them a question, and then when they try to answer, shout "Shut up, shut up!" before they can say anything (also known as the O'Reilly method)

* Lock them in a house with all of the kids from MTV's "My Super Sweet Sixteen". Then tell all of the kids that all of the other girls have nicer clothes than them. Stand back and watch the chaos ensue.

* Dress the victim in a suit and tie, make them work in an office for 40 years. Force them to take weekly diversity and sexual harassment seminars and engage in "casual fridays". Require them to go for happy hour at Applebee's with the gang from accounts payable. When they go to retire, tell them they don't have a pension. (More a long term strategy, but proven to break spirits).

* Sit them in front of a bank of monitors showing all of the 24 hour news channels for 3 months straight. Then tell them that they can go free if they can fill one index card with the list of topics discussed (one per line). When they can't, show them a picture of Chris Matthews with his shirt off. Repeat.

These are just a few ideas, but I'm sure I can come up with more. That's why, I offer my services to our president as "Torture Czar". I'll be in charge of all torture operations whether they be "enemy combatants", "evil-doers", or "dirty, hippie, liberals". I've watched enough episodes of 24 to know how to torture someone, and enough clips of American Idol to know what it's like to suffer.